Lies That Will Ruin Your Relationship

February 9, 2021

Finally in a great relationship and afraid of blowing it? Wondering why a previous relationship failed? Even if many individuals don't realize it at the time, being dishonest is a surefire way to ruin any relationship. We are not talking, however, about little white lies that someone may tell to avoid hurting their partner’s feelings. Instead, we are talking about lies an individual can tell their partner and lies they tell themselves. Relationships can last a little while after telling these lies, but as soon as even one of them is told, the clock is ticking and the relationship is on a timer.

“I Don’t Know That Person.”

Lying about one's relationships with other individuals paints the word “guilty” across their forehead. An individual can act differently towards strangers than they usually do towards others they know. While some others will act awkward around individuals they pretend they do not know. For those in a relationship, they should come clean and mention the context in which they know others. Statements such as “she hits on me at work,” or “I went on a date with him before I met you,” are not very detailed or revealing, but let one's partner know they are not hiding anything. Of course, the method of delivery for statements like these does matter. If one partner is worried about jealousy, they should keep in mind lying will only make it worse.

“I Love You Too!”

A guaranteed way to ruin a budding relationship is to lie about one's level of commitment and devotion to their partner. This can range from secretly dating others, or basically having an affair, to omitting the fact they are insecure about getting serious. Not all those who are in relationships have blind faith in love and this is okay. Both partners need to be open and honest about their feelings. “I like you a lot and I think love might be a future possibility” hurts to hear, but is better than the alternative. It is more disappointing to be lied to than to be told, “I’m just not there yet.”

“You Don’t Have To Worry About The Money.”

Financial lies are one of the top causes of breakups and divorces. When it comes to finances, it is truly the business of both partners, especially if they share a home together or other investments. Therefore, if one partner tells their significant other they do not need to worry about money, it really means it is none of their concern, which is not fair as finances, especially shared, affects both parties equally. It can also be construed as “this is privileged information” or “I do not trust you with my money.” Essentially, it is a flat out lie one partner does not have the right to know about shared money, as they do, especially when it affects both partners and other financial investments both may have a stake in.

“I’m Sorry You Feel That Way!”

Simply put, no that partner is not. If a significant other truly was sorry, they would be saying a lot more than this. Although this lie is not as pungent as some others, it can slowly lead to the demise of any relationship, as it reveals a person is not able or willing to empathize with their partner or view things from their perspective. They are not considering their partner’s feelings, thoughts, and perspectives about a certain issue. They simply are not sorry. Repeating this lie chips away at the foundation of a healthy relationship or the ability to relate. If a partner cannot relate, they are not really in a committed and healthy relationship.

“I’m Fine.”

Another lie that poisons a relationship is by telling one's partner they are fine, when in fact, they are not having a good day or are not okay with a situation. Learning about one's partner and their emotions should not be a game of hide-and-go-seek. Partners should be upfront with their feelings in both good and bad situations, and make their thoughts heard. If they are angry, the angered partner needs to find a mature way to let their significant other know how they feel and figure out the situation together.

Hiding behind the phrase “I’m fine” could make one's partner think they are not trusted with their lover's feelings. Or they might just like withholding their emotions and information as a form of playing games and being manipulative, which is a huge red flag and unhealthy for both parties. Either way, it is a lie that will lead to relationship destruction and ruin.

Lies Of Omission

Lies of omission can have a seriously damaging impact on relationships. When you lie by omission, you don't technically say anything untrue, but you purposefully leave out important information or phrase things in a misleading way. There are multiple reasons individuals might lie by omission, and these tend to be more important than the lie itself. One is fear. If you're afraid of what your partner will do when they find out about the information, it means there's a serious imbalance in your relationship.

Guilt is also a powerful motivator, which often occurs when there's already some broken trust. Shame can cause someone to lie because they're worried about how their partner will view them or how their reputation will suffer. In addition to leaving out important details, lying by omission may involve manipulating the facts to look sympathetic, or protecting your own self-interests.

"I Don't Talk to My Ex."

"I don't talk to my ex." That's a perfectly fine sentiment - when it's not a lie. But when it is a lie, there are a ton of factors at play that contribute to the downfall of the relationship. Talking to your ex isn't the problem. The problem is you felt the need to lie about it. This isn't necessarily confirmation you still have feelings for your ex. Plenty of individuals talk to their exes without having any desire to rekindle the relationship. But it does mean you have decided there's a reason to keep your partner from knowing you talk to your ex.

Is it because your partner is jealous? Are they trying to control who you do or don't speak to? Are they suffering from insecurity so severe that they believe your ex is a threat? Do you have feelings for your ex? Is there a turbulent history with your ex that means they'd be better off outside your life? Whatever the reason, you need to unpack what's behind the lie and address it to keep your relationship healthy.

"They're Just a Friend."

"They're just a friend." That's a big, messy statement when it's a lie. Sometimes individuals say it when they've already acted on their feelings for the third party. Sometimes they say it because they're denying their feelings exist, or that they matter enough to act on. It's natural for you to experience attraction to people other than your partner. In a healthy relationship, you can acknowledge it and move on. Your partner can also acknowledge it and move on because they won't feel so possessive or jealous that your feelings for another person are a threat.

Some couples even practice a system called ethical non-monogamy, which is where partners pursue multiple romantic or sexual relationships while being totally open and transparent with everyone involved. But if you were doing that, you wouldn't have to lie. What unhealthy dynamics are driving you to lie about this situation? Do you doubt the strength of your own relationship? Do you want a relationship with the other person more than you want your partner?

"I'm A Big Fan Of..."

"I'm a big fan of..." Don't do this. It's always a terrible idea. Don't lie about your interests, whether they're hobbies, bands, books, celebrities, career goals, or some other arbitrary aspect of human life. When you say you're a fan of something you don't like, you then create a lie you have to commit to. You've locked yourself into pretending you enjoy this thing you dislike or feel ambivalent about. Over time, that can lead to a gaping hole of resentment. If you don't share an interest with your partner, be upfront and tell them.

But also let them know you appreciate their passion and want to support them in their endeavors. The same is true if your partner makes a meal you don't like; if you lie about liking it, what if they make that same meal at least once a week every week until you die? The things you have to live with because of these stupid lies are not worth it.

"I Want/Don't Want Kids."

"I want kids." "I don't want kids." Don't ever say these words to your partner when you don't mean them, especially if you're invested in your answer. For some individuals, having children is a life goal that's as important to them as getting to grow old and have a career they want. For others, having children is something they don't want at all, and they shouldn't be involved in raising a child they don't want. Too many times, one person will tell the other they want children when they're discussing the future. It may be an attempt to keep the relationship together, but any children you bring into that partnership will suffer. Telling your partner you don't want kids to make them happy is also hurtful. You'll end up growing resentful and feeling unfulfilled. The worst offenders are men who say this because they assume their female partner just hasn't started her maternal hormones yet. Plenty of women continue not to want children throughout their lives, and they shouldn't be pressured into it.

As a cautionary tale, it is best to never lie and to always be upfront about your feelings, thoughts, and experiences with your partner when it comes to dealing with an easy or difficult situation. If they truly love you and want it to work, don't hold back and openly communicate your feelings.

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